Is Your Relationship Healthy? A Practical Guide to the Qualities That Matter and the Red Flags You Can’t Ignore.

We’re told that love is enough. It isn’t.

Love is the spark; the day-to-day habits, boundaries, and emotional climate are what keep the fire alive, or let it burn the house down.

Here are 12 non-negotiable qualities of a genuinely healthy relationship, plus simple, honest ways to check whether yours measures up.

Core Qualities of a Healthy Relationship

1. Safety (physical + emotional)- You can be tired, messy, angry, or “wrong” without fearing harm, humiliation, or abandonment.

2. Mutual Respect- You admire each other even when you disagree. Sarcasm, eye-rolling, and contempt have no permanent place here.

3. Trust (and trustworthiness)- You believe what your partner says, and they’ve earned that belief through consistent actions over time.

4. Individuality- You each have friends, hobbies, goals, and opinions that exist outside the relationship.

5. Repair- Both parties look for ways to repair after disagreements or conflict. It’s not about being right but rather the goal is understanding each other’s views and trying to find solutions and middle ground.

6. Freedom to Feel- In healthy relationships, emotions are always welcome and valid. No one gets mocked, dismissed, or “fixed” for feeling anxious, sad, jealous, mad or needy. even when one partner is less emotional than the other. The key is that feelings get space to be heard without being dismissed or “fixed” right away, for both parties.

7. Accountability- “I messed up, I’m sorry, here’s how I’ll do better” happens quickly and sincerely on both sides.

8. Healthy Conflict Fights are about the issue, not character assassination. Voices may get loud, but name-calling, stonewalling, and threats are rare or nonexistent.

9. Mutual Effort & Initiation- Planning dates, checking in, solving problems, and showing affection isn’t always 50/50 every week, but it averages out over time.

10. Secure Attachment- You can be close without clinging and separate without panic. Proximity feels good, not suffocating or abandoning.

11. Full Consent & Personal Autonomy- Every part of your life together: sex, money, how you spend your time, social media privacy, passwords, holidays, kids, where you live, is decided freely and enthusiastically by both people. No one is ever pressured, manipulated, guilt-tripped, or made to feel selfish for saying “no” or “I need something different.” Your body, your time, your choices, and your boundaries are always respected without punishment or resentment.

12. Growth Mindset Together- You see each other as evolving humans and actively support new and healthy habits, career changes, healing and growth.

    
    

The 2-Minute Health Check You Can Do Right Now

Answer these 12 yes/no questions honestly. Trust your very first gut reaction to each question, your body and intuition almost always know the real answer. Any hesitation or justification = No.

1. When I mess up or show my messy, “bad,” or emotional side, do I still feel fully loved and accepted?

2. Do I feel completely safe to share my real feelings, desires, dreams, fears, and day-to-day truths without hiding anything?

3. When I share something vulnerable, do I usually feel truly heard, cared for, and met with warmth or curiosity?

4. Can both of us admit when we’re wrong, apologize sincerely, and follow it up with real efforts to change without defensiveness or keeping score?

5. Can I easily name at least three recent times my partner genuinely celebrated something good about me or that happened to me without making it about them or comparing?

6. Do I mostly feel relaxed and calm around my partner (rather than tense or full of dread)?

7. Does my partner almost never use breaking up, silent treatment, threats to leave, or other big consequences to control or “win” an argument?

8. Around my partner, do I feel like the fullest, most authentic version of myself most of the time?

9. If my best friend or sibling described the exact same relationship I have (fights, affection, sex, money, future plans, etc. ), would I honestly tell them “Yes, stay, this is a good relationship”?

10. Do my closest friends and family who know me well feel genuinely happy and at ease about me being in this relationship?

11. When I picture the next five years with this person, do I mostly feel curious, hopeful, peaceful, and excited?

    
    

Scoring

10–11 Yes’s → Secure, genuinely healthy relationship (keep nurturing it).

8–9 Yes’s → Strong relationship with a couple of workable areas.

6–7 Yes’s → Yellow flags. There are likely important patterns to address (talk or get help).

5 or fewer Yes’s → Red flags. This relationship is likely causing more harm than good right now.

What to Do If It’s Not Healthy

1. Name what you’re seeing (to yourself first, then, if it’s safe, to them).

2. Get professional support, individual therapy, couples therapy, or both.

3. Rebuild your support system outside the relationship.

4. Remember: leaving a relationship that dims your light is an act of self-love, not failure.

   
   

You deserve a relationship that makes you feel safe, seen, and free to become more yourself, not less.

Anything less is just love with too high a price tag. Your future self (and your inner child) will thank you for choosing peace over familiarity.

Here are some clinical sources that have great information on long-term relationship health.

• The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work – John Gottman & Nan Silver. The gold-standard book from 40+ years of research on what actually predicts if a couple stays together happily.

• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Sue Johnson. The foundational book on Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). teaches you how to create secure attachment with your partner.

• Wired for Love – Stan Tatkin. How to build a “secure-functioning” relationship where both people feel like a true team.

• Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment – Amir Levine & Rachel Heller. Explains anxious, avoidant, and secure styles in a super-readable way and how to heal them together.

• The Relationship Cure – John Gottman. Focuses on “bids for connection” – the small daily moments that make or break emotional bonds.

• Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection – John & Julie Gottman (2024). The newest Gottman book specifically on healthy fighting and fast repair.

• Us: Getting Past You and Me to Build a More Loving Relationship – Terry Real. Straight-talking, no-BS guide to stopping power struggles and building true partnership.

• Mating in Captivity / The State of Affairs – Esther Perel. For keeping desire and individuality alive in long-term relationships (and understanding infidelity).

• Secure Relating: How to Build Secure Attachment in an Insecure World – Sue Johnson & Stefanie Carnes (2024). Brand-new update applying attachment science to modern dating and long-term couples.

• The Gottman Relationship Blog & Free Resources. gottman.com → quizzes, card decks, and short articles backed by research.